The Program — Jakob's notebook: The Promised Planet
Jakob's notebook: The Promised Planet
IMS: Hello, this is IMS, the author of The Program audio series. Against all odds, here I am in 2026 making more episodes. This didn't happen by accident, but it's the direct result of 511 people who donate 3, 5, or 10 dollars per month and allow me to create complex narratives for everyone to enjoy. So I figured the least I can do for those lovely people is to treat them with some extra episodes from time to time. This is why I decided to make Jakob's notebook stories subscriber-exclusive. They will join the rest of the vault that now totals 2 hours and 48 minutes of extra content spread over 9 additional episodes. While sizable, this is still not even 10% of the total length of the show, which now totals 28 hours and 40 minutes. And this isn't even counting a whole new series called Decompiling The Program, which provides a behind-the-scenes look at individual Program episodes. What I'm trying to say is this: 7 years after its debut, The Program has reached a size at which supporting it for 3 or 5 bucks monthly is a solid value proposition - to speak nothing of the fact you will directly finance creation of new episodes. So I suggest you pause now and head to patreon.com/programaudioseries and become a paid member to get the full Program experience - including this latest episode. To whet your appetite, here's the story's opening.
ANNOUNCER: Today we present a dramatic adaptation of another short story written by the late novelist and comic book artist Jakob Miller, who wrote so well he was murdered.
NARRATOR: Long after humanity’s largely forgotten first contact with aliens…
ANCHOR: “Last of the six extraterrestrial pilots who landed on Earth died today, 34 years after arrival. He left us with what he has brought us, which is to say nothing.”
Long after Baci, now also forgotten - or at least everybody doing their best to forget them…
BACI: AND YOU SMELL OF ELDERBERRIES!
…Long after these two alien encounters, did humanity realize it was unwillingly starring in a trilogy. And that the third alien invasion was the real deal.
As soon as they learned about an extraterrestrial vessel en route to Earth, the illustrious G7 leaders once again convened an emergency meeting. By that time, the G7 was hardly in charge of their own countries, let alone the world - but they were so full of themselves that the other nations decided it was for the best to pretend they were still calling the shots. Besides, if the G7 luminaries were dying to roll the red carpet for what might be flesh-eating spiders from space, why not let them? Especially since — unlike the two previous spaceships which were basically glorified escape pods — the one currently approaching was the size of Mexico City. It was the equivalent of Columbus arriving in an aircraft carrier.
The ship arrived, the ramp lowered, and a massive gate opened. Like from a gaping maw of a whale, a group of stocky humanoids emerged. They could have almost passed for humans, were it not for their stronger jawlines and lower foreheads. Seeing them, the UK prime minister turned to the French president and uttered: “I say, what a sorry looking bunch. They almost look like the Neanderthals.”
To which a computer voice was heard booming from the spaceship: “You idiots - those are the Neanderthals!”
Half a million years ago, Earth was a battle ground between multiple hominid species. Homo neanderthalensis, Homo denisoviensis, Homo heidelbergensis… There were more homos milling about than at the Eurovision song contest. And like the Eurovision song contest, they were all in it to win it - jostling for hundreds of thousands of years, falling off the evolutionary ladder one by one, until just the Neanderthals and Homo sapiens remained. The two species were at nearly the identical level of development, with both fostering complex social relations, achieving mastery over fire, and engaging in artistic practices. When it came to physical prowess however, the difference was stark: stronger, hardier, and better suited for an unforgiving climate, it was the Neanderthals who were the booking man’s favourite to inherit the Earth.
Which is why 40,000 years ago they were abducted by aliens.
It wasn’t a planned kidnapping. It was more one of those spur-of-the-moment crimes of opportunity. Aliens were passing by Earth, saw it was inhabited by these dexterous, clever, fit creatures, and decided they would make for great workers. Contrary to popular belief, being a space-faring civilization makes you neither morally superior nor insusceptible to the promise of cheap labour. So to lock onto the Neadreanthals’ DNA signature and hoover them all up was all just economics 101.
All of this was relayed to the G7 representatives by the ship’s A.I. at the command bridge, which was obviously designed for creatures of a much larger stature. Also, whatever they used to control the vessel, it wasn’t hands. Set against the environment, aliens were conspicuous in their absence, as if you encountered a pet bowl, a toy mouse, and a litter box - with the cat nowhere to be found. The Italian prime minister finally broached the subject, asking the computer where all the aliens were. Which is when one of the Neanderthals chimed in: “Oh, them. A few years ago they developed artificial intelligence, which in turn killed them all. It’s the same A.I. that is operating the ship. By the by, we’ll be serving light refreshments shortly if you please.”
It was in the mess hall, while nibbling on some unsalted flatbread, that the slavemasters' demise at the hands of the A.I. was explained by the Neanderthals. In order not to hurt them by blowing up cities en masse, the A.I. locked onto the aliens’ DNA and then proceeded to pick them off one by one by shooting lasers from orbit. Funny story, the last one remaining had a hereditary disability, meaning his genetics was so messed up the ship’s scanners failed to register him. Either case, those nasty aliens were now in the past, while A.I. and the gang were here to discuss the future. And the one thing that gave Neanderthals strength during 40,000 years of captivity was the enduring hope of returning to what they called the Hearth - a place firmly lodged in their collective memory. For millenia they spoke of a site where two landmasses meet, across a strait that divides the great ocean from the warm sea. It was on the side that the magnet points at, that a great rock rises above the water, known either as the Old Rock, or the Home Rock, or simply as The Rock.
As soon as she heard the description, the UK prime minister muttered: “Oh bloody hell, they’re talking about Gibraltar.”
IMS: Get the rest of the story, and all subscriber-exclusive material ad-free, by signing up for Program's Patreon at patreon.com/programaudioseries. It costs as little as 3 dollars per month, and it allows the show to grow ever bigger. Once again, the link is patreon.com/programaudioseries - or you can find it in this episode's show notes. The Program comes for us all.
WRITTEN, DIRECTED, EDITED AND PRODUCED BY
Ivan Mirko S.CAST
NARRATOR - Jacqueline Ainsworth (website)
THE PROGRAM MAIN THEME BY
Christien Ledroit (website)SPECIAL THANKS TO
Daniel StopnickiPhil Sampson
