The Program — Free trial period (2nd instalment)

Free trial period (2nd instalment)

Enhance readability: Off On

IMS: Hello, this is IMS, the author of The Program audio series. A reminder that this episode has been split up into three parts in order to help cover its considerable production costs. Personally, I'd prefer for you to listen to it in full and with no ads. But I would also prefer for The Program to be a source of joyful creativity, and not of financial anxiety for me. So how about we make it a win-win and you become a show member? You can support us for as little as three dollars per month. And for anyone who might be experiencing financial hardship, I just extended the end-of-the-year special offer that gets you an additional 20% off. So please consider hitting the pause button right now and heading to Program's Patreon before continuing. Not only will it get you this episode, but you'll be granted access to all current and future bonus episodes, and all the regular episodes ad-free. You will find the link in the show notes or visit www.patreon.com/programaudioseries in your browser. Cheers!

ANNOUNCER: This is the continuation of the story. Make sure you have listened to the previous episode before proceeding.

CLERIC: Open the doors!

SYNTH VOICE: EXIT NOW.

ESCORT: Hey!

CLERIC: Yes?

ESCORT: Which religion did you say you were a clergyman of?

CLERIC: <soft laugh> …I didn't.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

CEO: …Well, that was a freebie.

CEO: Oh shut up, we were all thinking it!

POLICEMAN: Hey, show some respect! The man was a hero!

TRADER: Haven’t you just said it doesn’t take a genius to commit suicide?

POLICEMAN: Yeah, I was talking about suicide attacks!

SOLDIER: While it is true it doesn’t take a PhD to blow yourself up in the enemy capital, from a tactical standpoint it’s far from irrational. Asymmetrical warfare the likes of which we saw on Dirty Friday, that’s anyone with military acumen would recommend in a room without cameras or microphones.

ESCORT: Isn’t killing civilians a war crime?

SOLDIER: If you lose it is.

AIDE: Either way it’s dishonourable.

POLITICIAN: Honour is a concept brought about by the victors. It’s when a knight with a sword in full armour tells twenty peasants armed with sticks to fight him one by one in the name of "chivalry". Whenever you hear someone talk about honour, ask yourself what it is a mask for.

POLICEMAN: Honour ain’t a mask - it’s a shield! A man’s gotta stand up for himself. If people know you’re gonna go after their family, they’ll think twice before going after yours!

TRADER: So what should we do then, after killing 2 million people?

AIDE: Don’t worry, I’m sure the peace summit will yield a fair resolution.

ESCORT: What fucking summit? Did you miss the part where it was cut short and we were taken hostage?

AIDE: That’s what I’m saying. I am certain our leaders are trying to find a way to get us out and resume talks as we speak.

CEO: Hah, have you met our leaders? The only thing they’re discussing right now is how to neutralize our captors even if it means taking us with them!

AIDE: They’d never do that!

TRADER: What? Bomb something indiscriminately?

SOLDIER: If you’re referring to our bombing, it was the opposite of indiscriminate — it was tactical! Very precise. Surgical even.

CEO: Well it did blow up a lot of surgeons…

POLITICIAN: Surgeons, nurses, veterinarians, teachers, firefighters, astronauts!

POLICEMAN: What fucking astronauts? 90% of them don’t even have a fucking driver’s licence!

POLITICIAN: I’m counting those who had wanted to become astronauts when they grew up…

POLICEMAN: Please, not this “innocent children” card! You wanna know how many of those kids would have become astronauts, huh? Zero! Now, how many of them would have become enemy fighters?

ESCORT: After what we did, I’m pretty sure all of them.

SOLDIER: Well, good thing that’s not happening then, isn’t it?

TRADER: Look, I won’t pretend I know what the solution is, but I do know that stopping the killing of infants would make a great first step.

AIDE: First step to what?

TRADER: Well, sooner or later we need to reconcile.

CEO: You can't reconcile if you’ve never been together to begin with.

ESCORT: Who is there even left to reconcile with? Their ghosts? You know what we did.

SOLDIER: We didn't do anything they wouldn't have done to us had they been given a chance! Our greatest crime has been foiling them. Need I remind you they detonated their bomb first?

TRADER: Calling what they denoted on Dirty Friday a “bomb” is generous. It was a source capsule extracted from an old radiotherapy machine and strapped onto a pickup truck with duct tape and prayers. Our bomb on the other hand was a 200-megaton satellite-guided missile that turned the area into glass. Which makes us the guilty party.

CEO: Guilty of what? Competence?

POLICEMAN: Stop equating our bomb and their bomb! Okay? Their bomb is dirty, and perfidious, and cruel, and savage, and that is exactly what they’re like and how they fight! It's nothing like our beautiful clean bomb, scrubbing in an instant all that is vicious and wicked off the face of this good earth!

AIDE: Vicious and wicked? Like women and children?

POLICEMAN: Guess what, you cannot endanger other people's families and then expect safety for yours! Do you people even listen to yourself? Did all the Diversity-Equity-Inclusion initiatives cook your fucking brains?

ESCORT: Are you implying that opposing killing innocents is “woke”?

POLICEMAN: THERE ARE NO INNOCENTS HERE! There are only aggressors and would-be aggressors.

POLITICIAN: I think we could all benefit from practicing non-confrontational communication. After all, there are plenty of people on the other side who never took part in any atrocities. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights says these individuals have the right to return.

POLICEMAN: They have the right to suck my dick!

AIDE: Okay, now you’re just being offensive.

POLICEMAN: You know what, I'm okay with offensive! What I'm not okay with is stupid! …I was born here — yet why do you think I don’t live here? Did you miss decades of attacks on our people, our borders, our very existence? Huh? You speak of honour, of reconciliation, of justice — where was the justice when we suffered? Where was the honour when they entered my parents’ house, and when they stripped my mother naked as they searched for weapons that weren’t there? Hm? When my father was beaten because he dared to file a complaint? …And now we're suddenly supposed to practice restraint? After years of being persecuted, and exploited, and humiliated, NOW is the time for temperance? ...You don’t want reconciliation because you’re good. You want it because you’re scared. Because you’re scared your hands are weak, and because you don’t want to get them dirty. Well I’m not scared! I’m not scared of anything! You think I’m afraid of death? I died many, many times! I DIED when they imprisoned my uncle! I DIED when they toppled our statues and banned our books! I DIED when they cut down my grandfather's olive tree! …For too long we have been on the losing side of history. And if I have to choose between people feeling hate for, and feeling sorry for me, well then by God I choose hatred. Cos’ I'd rather be held in contempt than in thoughts and prayers.

ESCORT: Funny enough, that’s exactly why I don’t want to be in your prayers.

POLICEMAN: Girl, all the angels in heaven could hold a free arena concert for you and it still wouldn’t be enough.

ESCORT: <screams>

TRADER: What’s happening?!

ESCORT: He hit me! HE FUCKING HIT ME!

SOLDIER: HEY MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

POLICEMAN: I didn’t do anything! That crazy bitch attacked me!

SYNTH VOICE: WHAT IS THIS COMMOTION?

TRADER: Nothing!

POLITICIAN: Just some internal disagreements.

TRADER: All good here.

SYNTH VOICE: WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE CIVILIZED PEOPLE?

AIDE: We are! We are!

CEO: We’re civilized! Very civilized!

ESCORT: Please… Just turn off the gas…

CEO: Disagreements are a hallmark of the democratic process!

SYNTH VOICE: IT HAS BEEN DONE. HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

POLITICIAN: Well, he’s kinda made it for us.

CEO: The policeman!

ESCORT: Yeah.

AIDE: Take the policeman!

POLICEMAN: What? Fuck you! I didn’t do anything wrong!

SYNTH VOICE: IS IT NECESSARY TO TURN THE GAS ON AGAIN?

SOLDIER: No, I’m certain the reality of the situation will soon become apparent to my law enforcing colleague here.

POLICEMAN: So this is how it’s gonna play, huh? Alright. Wouldn’t wanna disturb you good people and your non-confrontational communication. You know what, I’ll leave you with this though… Unlike that fucking cleric dude, I’m certain there’s an afterlife. And if you’re the kind of idiots that end up in heaven… Then I’m fine with hell.

Fuck, that light!

SYNTH VOICE: PROCEED THROUGH THE DOOR.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

TRADER: Okay, maybe we started this whole thing wrong.

ESCORT: Like there’s a right way to start a thing like this?

TRADER: There’s always an optimal play. You don’t judge a trader when the market is good; you judge him when the market is down.

SOLDIER: That’s great, but what the fuck does our situation have to do with the stock market?

TRADER: Well a stock market is fundamentally a way to make bets, including bets on the outcome of other peoples' bets, and bets on the outcome of those bets. Naturally, this complexity creates lots of exploitable opportunities. But you won’t find them if you take things at face value - what you need is to learn to chase hidden value. And right now, there’s a lot of information hidden from us.

AIDE: Like what?

TRADER: Like for starters, taking our captors’ word that there are other rooms. For all we know, we’re the only ones here. And as such, much more valuable than they’re letting on.

CEO: Valuable? They’re going through us faster than a welfare queen goes through cheese coupons!

TRADER: Are they now? All we know is they’re taking us out of this room - I mean, we’ve got no idea what happens outside.

POLITICIAN: Well I’m pretty sure they’re not assembling a cricket team.

TRADER: Here’s what we do know. First we kicked out a guy who didn’t speak English, meaning no one had any idea what’s happening. Then the cleric volunteered to go. And then the policeman practically disqualified himself. Almost as if leaving the room is better than staying inside…

SOLDIER: So what are you saying?

TRADER: So what if… What if the only one who’ll actually get killed, is whoever remains the last one here?

AIDE: But, why?

TRADER: Maybe it’s a test. I mean, it stands to reason that the last person in the room is the most conniving one. Maybe that’s the message of this whole trial.

CEO: If you’re so certain of your theory, why don’t you simply walk away too?

TRADER: Because it’s not a theory. It’s a bet.

SOLDIER: …Or a trap.

TRADER: What?

SOLDIER: Why are you telling us this..? After all, if you’ve really found hidden value, it’s no longer hidden when you say it out loud.

TRADER: Because I’m not fighting against you. Our real enemy — our only enemy is whoever is behind those doors! That’s the other thing you learn when you play the market - you’re not fighting against everyone else. Because guess what, if you crash the economy, you find yourself in the middle of a crashed economy as well!

AIDE: Says the person who crashed the economy of an entire country!

ESCORT: I think we should listen to the man, it may be our best chance of getting out of here alive.

SOLDIER: We are not getting out of this room alive! I am truly sorry to impart this news to you. But we need to start accepting this fact. Our options as a group are limited until we start adjusting to this new reality. Tell me… Why are you here?

AIDE: Well, there was this banquet…

SOLDIER: I don’t mean how you ended up here! I mean… Why. Are. You. Here?

AIDE: Like… Metaphysically? Like, what’s-the-meaning-of-life “why am I here”?

SOLDIER: The answer to the question “What’s the meaning of life?” changes depending on the context. It's like going up to a Chess Grandmaster and asking him "What's the best move?" It’s simply not the right question.

AIDE: So which one is?

SOLDIER: “What is the meaning of death?”

AIDE: I don't understand.

SOLDIER: Like I said, all of us will die. You will die. And the popular fantasy of being surrounded on a deathbed with loved ones is just that - a fantasy. 90% of people will either die alone in their apartments or in institutions - perhaps maybe a nice retirement home if you’re lucky, perhaps an overcrowded hospital hallway if you’re not… But in all these cases your death will barely be registered. A passing glance from a nurse between two games of Wordle… Sure, you survived today’s ordeal… But for what? What did you accomplish? Or rather, what did your death accomplish? Each of us only gets one death. And we can use it either to die in 30 years for nothing, or we can die today for something.

ESCORT: So what are you suggesting?

SOLDIER: …There’s still six of us in here. And instead of going to the butcher’s knife one by one like Mr. Financial Genius here wants us to do, we should do precisely the opposite.

TRADER: And what’s that?

SOLDIER: If we storm those doors the next time they open we might have a chance for a breach.

TRADER: Blind and armless? That’s your brilliant plan?

SOLDIER: Sure, if we choose to fight our situation might get worse. However, if we choose not to fight, our situation WILL get worse! I’m not going to pretend it’s the most appealing move… But it’s the BEST move.

TRADER: I just hope everyone appreciates the irony of us storming out of a prison when it’s precisely what we’re denying others.

CEO: For the love of god, man, how do you always seem to find a way to excuse what they're doing?

TRADER: Dunno, how do you always find a way to excuse what we’re doing? Maybe you missed our assassinations of journalists? Orchestrating the removal of the prime minister of Norway? Dropping a nuclear bomb? For fucks’ sake, we need to stop treating our sins like it’s a teenage phase we went through. Like it’s just a fad. “Oh, that crazy thing we did, burning people’s houses and poisoning their orchards. Oh well, they should get over it.” Let bygones be bygones after all. And if they won't — if they can't — well, they're the unreasonable ones.

ESCORT: Look, reasonable people don’t use violence!

POLITICIAN: You mean like we’re planning to use it now?

SOLDIER: We don’t have an alternative. They on the other hand had plenty of options before Dirty Friday.

TRADER: Oh, you mean like when they were blocking roads? Like when they were on hunger strikes? Like when some of them lit themselves on fire? …They were non-violent for a long time. And what good did that do them, huh? All we did was take a bite, and then another bite, and then another bite, and kept pushing, little by little, seeing just how far we can go. …Well, we found out.

POLITICIAN: Your little Samsung again?

TRADER: Yup.

CEO: Why you need that stuff anyway?

TRADER: Because I don’t have a pancreas.

ESCORT: How come you don’t have a pancreas?

TRADER: Because I got stabbed in it.

SOLDIER: One of them?

TRADER: Actually one of ours. A right-of-return hardliner. I raised a pointed subject, and he responded with a pointed object.

SOLDIER: I’m sorry to hear that.

TRADER: It’s fine. I survived. Or rather I’ll keep surviving as long as I got my insu… Oh shit.

POLITICIAN: What is it?

TRADER: Where’s my insulin?

AIDE: What do you mean where’s your insulin?

TRADER: I mean my insulin is missing!

ESCORT: Okay, calm down! Are you sure you haven’t dropped it?

TRADER: OF COURSE I’M SURE! I NEVER LET IT LEAVE MY POCKET! WHERE’S MY INSULIN?

SOLDIER: Shit!

SYNTH VOICE: WHAT IS THIS COMMOTION?

TRADER: Someone stole my insulin!

SYNTH VOICE: WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE CIVILIZED PEOPLE?

CEO: Hey, we’re making DNA-sequenced insulin while you boneheads apparently don’t even know how to install a lightbulb!

SYNTH VOICE: IRRELEVANT. THE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS IF YOUR CELLMATE CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT INSULIN?

TRADER: No! I need my insulin NOW!

SYNTH VOICE: IN THAT CASE YOU ARE THE NEXT ONE TO GO.

TRADER: What?!

SYNTH VOICE: YOU SERVE NO USE TO US UNCONSCIOUS. THEREFORE, YOU NEED TO LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE STILL ABLE TO DO SO ON YOUR OWN.

CEO: The creepy voice has a point…

AIDE: IT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT! Seriously? You’re gonna let them take another one of us just because it doesn’t happen to be you personally, you fucking coward?

SOLDIER: Look, as our unlucky friend just said himself, we’ve got no idea what happens outside the cell. But we do know that without the insulin very soon we’ll have a corpse inside the cell. And how does that benefit anyone?

AIDE: We need to stop thinking about what benefits anyone and start thinking about what benefits everyone! We’ve got to do the right thing here!

SOLDIER: Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the right thing to do!

TRADER: He’s right! He’s right… Without my insulin I’m just gonna be a dead body. As this fucking thing doesn’t cease to remind me! <throws the monitor into a corner; beeping stops> Look, I know my views may be unpopular here. But we can’t let hate cloud our judgement. It's possible to condemn and commiserate. And if I relate with the predicament of our enemies, it's because they and I have something in common.

AIDE: And what's that?

TRADER: I will not be a victim. And if you wanna kick me out, be my guest. But I’m gonna go out speaking my mind, not yours.

SYNTH VOICE: THIS CONVERSATION SERVES NO PURPOSE ANY MORE. PROCEED TO THE DOOR IMMEDIATELY.

TRADER: Ah, the light! …I’m gonna leave now. But before I go, I also have a theory of what happens after we die.

ESCORT: Which one?

TRADER: All the people you meet in the afterlife are you. And they behave just the way you did while you were alive. That there is heaven or hell.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

CEO: Well there'll certainly be some celebrations on the streets of Iceland tonight.

AIDE: Shut the fuck up!

CEO: Relax, it’s a joke. Humour is a coping strategy. I’m coping!

AIDE: This is not a laughing matter! Who took the insulin?

ANNOUNCER: End of second instalment. The next instalment will be released in one week. Get the whole episode ad-free now by becoming The Program's member. You’ll find the link in the show notes.

Also, here it is
IMS

original art by Carlos Costa

Courtesy of Comrade Larsky