The Program — Free trial period (1st instalment)

Free trial period (1st instalment)

Enhance readability: Off On

IMS: Hello, this is IMS, and I am terrible at math. I say this because I started working on this episode in March, meaning it took over eight months to create. It utilizes the talents of eleven people, and ended up costing almost two thousand dollars. As such, it's just not viable to simply release it and bankrupt myself. Don't worry, the episode will still be available for free - however it will come out in three weekly installments supported by advertising. Having said that, I hope you will consider becoming The Program's paid member, which will allow you to get the entire episode straight away and ad-free. Now, I'm aware not everyone is in the position to support indie series like this, so I made a special offer - if you sign up for The Program's Patreon by December 10th, you can claim an additional 20% off with discount code YOBEREAL. So please pause the episode now and follow the URL in the show notes. The special pricing is valid only on the Patreon website, so make sure you sign up through a browser and NOT through the iOS app. It's the best way to enjoy the show, and it will also get you access to the rest of the catalogue without ads, including all the bonus episodes. I might not be good at math, but it seems like a good deal to me.

ANNOUNCER: As we gather today to record on these lands, we have the responsibility and obligation to honour the history of many peoples who lived here before us - the Americans, the Canadians, and the Québécois. We would like to acknowledge and thank them for sharing their traditional territory with us today.

DRIVER: Padre nuestro, que estás en los cielos, santificado sea tu Nombre; venga a nosotros tu reino; hágase tu voluntad así en la tierra como en el cielo. Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada día…

CEO: Can you please stop? Some of us are trying to get some rest!

TRADER: I don’t think he understands you.

CEO: What about “Stop” is there not to understand?

CLERIC: Let the man pray. What else is there for us to do?

SOLDIER: I dunno, to me plotting an escape sounds like a better idea.

ESCORT: Escape? We’re locked shut, in an underground labyrinth, in total darkness. David motherfucking Blaine couldn’t get out!

POLITICIAN: Oh, they'll save us. Have you got any idea how many policemen are out there?

POLICEMAN: 4,317.

POLITICIAN: How do you know the exact figure?

POLICEMAN: Because I'm a policeman.

POLITICIAN: Bloody hell.

CLERIC: How did they manage to breach such security measures?

ESCORT: Perhaps they’re using this new program thing…

POLITICIAN: What program thing?

TRADER: There’s a new app called the Program that helps people organize.

CEO: Are you suggesting we got captured because of a TO DO list?

TRADER: The Program is much more than a “TO DO list”. It allows people to organize in groups, and then instructs them how to achieve a shared goal.

CLERIC: If you ask me, you have to be a bit mad to do what an app tells you.

ESCORT: Haven’t you said you’re a holy man of some sorts?

CLERIC: I said I’m a member of the clergy. What of it?

ESCORT: Nothing, I’d just expect a religious figure to be more understanding of people doing what disembodied voices tell them to do.

CLERIC: The issue with the Program is that it bestows power to anyone, regardless if that person is –

CACOPHONY OF VOICES: — The light! — It’s too strong! — You’re blinding us! — Close the doors!

POLICEMAN: Everybody SHUT UP! Must be my squad coming to save us!

AID: Hello? Is there anyone else in the room?

POLITICIAN: Bugger all… It's just my aide.

AIDE: Sir..? Sir! You're in here as well!

POLITICIAN: Much to my dismay. I’ve fallen faster than you can say “Maginot line”. When I got tossed into this decrepit dungeon there was only our valiant policeman waiting for me here.

POLICEMAN: Hey man, the only reason they got me first is because they had to get past me first. We were flown here specifically to guard the outside perimeter!

ESCORT: Indeed, it was the finest display of police work since fucking Uvalde!

AIDE: Who else is in here? Can we just introduce ourselves?

SOLDIER: Can we just NOT.

AIDE: Why not?

SOLDIER: They're listening... Better not to give them any info they could use against us.

AIDE: Who's “they”?

CEO: What in God’s name is that..?

TRADER: It's Vivaldi.

CEO: I know it's Vivaldi, I'm asking why it’s playing!

SYNTH VOICE: MAN IS KNOWN BY THE COMPANY HE KEEPS. THERE'S NINE OF YOU IN THIS ROOM. THERE WILL BE NO MORE PEOPLE COMING IN. THERE WILL ONLY BE PEOPLE GOING OUT.

POLITICIAN: I don’t like the sound of that!

SOLDIER: Shut up!

ESCORT: What is it that you want?

SYNTH VOICE: WE HAVE ALREADY DELIVERED OUR LIST OF DEMANDS TO YOUR REPRESENTATIVES. HOWEVER, THEY ARE NOT RENOWN FOR EFFICACY. SO IN ORDER TO EXPEDITE THEIR DECISION MAKING, WE ARE UNDER THE NECESSITY TO KILL YOU ONE BY ONE UNTIL OUR DEMANDS ARE MET.

CLERIC: Good Lord, no!

ESCORT: You’re the worst hostage-takers ever! Why should we cooperate when you just told us you'll kill us all?

SYNTH VOICE: WE DID NOT SAY WE'LL KILL ALL OF YOU. AT THE END, WE WILL EXCHANGE WHOEVER REMAINS FOR OUR IMPRISONED BROTHERS-IN-ARMS.

POLITICIAN: And how will you decide..?

SYNTH VOICE: HOW WILL WE DECIDE WHAT?

POLITICIAN: Who lives and who dies?

SYNTH VOICE: IT IS ALL THE SAME TO US. YOU FIGURE OUT THAT PART OUT AMONG YOURSELVES.

CLERIC: We won't do your dirty work for you!

AIDE: That’s right! We’re a civilized people!

SYNTH VOICE: THERE ARE MORE LIKE YOU IN OTHER ROOMS. IF THEY TURN OUT TO BE MORE COOPERATIVE, WE JUST MIGHT HAPPEN TO EXCHANGE ALL OF THEM, AND KILL ALL OF YOU.

ESCORT: Who are you?

SYNTH VOICE: THAT IS A QUESTION BETTER DIRECTED AT YOURSELVES. …WE SHALL RETURN TO PICK UP YOUR FIRST CHOICE SHORTLY.

ESCORT: So, how's everyone's day going?

POLITICIAN: I was telling them something like this might happen.

CLERIC: Telling who?

POLITICIAN: Those idiots at the foreign office! I told them, you’re not seriously considering holding the peace summit in a no-go zone? It's like throwing a rave party next to a concentration camp!

SOLDIER: Quite so. We had intelligence of enemy activity in the area.

AIDE: Who’s this "we" you're referring to?

SOLDIER: I work for the military. Engineer corps, active duty.

POLICEMAN: Thank you for your service, man.

ESCORT: What fucking service? We got taken hostage!

POLICEMAN: You don't blame the server if the chef overcooks the pasta.

ESCORT: The chef put cyanide in the pasta!

TRADER: Okay, so we've got a policeman, a clergyman, a soldier… Who else got captured?

CEO: I'm the president of a publicly traded company. And the guy speaking Spanish is my driver. Well, okay, he's not my driver per se - he's been hired to drive me around during the peace summit.

CLERIC: Where is he by the way?

AIDE: I think he's in the corner where the A.C. unit is. Hey, laddy? Hola, amigo?

DRIVER: Soy un mecánico de aire acondicionado. Reconozco el sonido de esta unidad. Es un sistema de grado industrial.

SOLDIER: Yeah, he's down there.

POLICEMAN: But wait, I thought the three of you came in together?

ESCORT: I got captured with them as well.

AIDE: Oh no, they got your wife too!

ESCORT: [smirks] Only if she's in another room.

CEO: Miss Serenity and I… We’re dating.

ESCORT: Hey, what happened to the "no names" policy?

CEO: Well technically speaking "Serenity" isn't your real name now, is it?

POLITICIAN: This keeps getting better and better.

SOLDIER: What about you two?

POLITICIAN: Who?

SOLDIER: You English guys. Blackadder and Baldrick.

AIDE: Actually I am Scottish.

POLITICIAN: I am — or rather, was — the British minister of education.

POLICEMAN: So you’re like a big shot?

CLERIC: Perhaps you’re the one our captors were after.

POLITICIAN: Only if their goal is to have a say if we’ll be cutting John Milton from the next year’s curriculum.

AIDE: Oh please, sir, not Milton!

POLITICIAN: And this intrepid defender of the literary renaissance is my assistant.

ESCORT: So, the secretary's secretary?

AIDE: The preferred term is “aide”.

SOLDIER: Okay, so a cop, a cleric, a CEO and his "date", the Spanish guy, the British minister and his aide, and me in the army - that's eight. So, who hasn't been introduced yet?

TRADER: That would be me. I work as an online trader.

CEO: Ha, there’s the understatement of the year. I recognize your voice. You’re that whizz kid who made 1.2 billion in a single day!

POLITICIAN: Oh yes, I read about that. Didn’t it also ruin the economy of Iceland in the process?

TRADER: That would be taking too much credit - it was already ruined. Their “economy” mostly consisted of bots trading with other bots. I just devised an algorithm that detected the pattern and used it as an arbitrage. If I hadn’t done it, someone else would.

CLERIC: The real question is - what were you doing at the peace summit?

SOLDIER: It's a political summit, of course it's full of finance bros, lobbyists, and hookers.

ESCORT: I take offence at that.

SOLDIER: I apologize, I didn’t want to demean your line of work.

ESCORT: I wasn’t talking about my business, I meant comparing me to those other guys!

CEO: Sorry doll, you don't get to call yourself a business if you don't pay taxes!

ESCORT: Oh I'm sorry, I should definitely give money to someone who wants to ban my livelihood and imprison me! …Besides, I invest my money back into the economy.

TRADER: Index funds?

ESCORT: Yeah! Mostly ETFs, some REITS. Over 90% of my portfolio is in Moody’s TOP 40.

TRADER: Oh, that’s a good one. A hands off approach with a great yield. Excellent choice.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, excellent choice. You know, if we make it out of here I'll make sure to heed your financial advice! Holy shit, is money all you people think about?

AIDE: Right? Apparently some people are even fine bankrupting entire countries over it!

TRADER: I told you before - if I hadn’t done what I did, someone else would have. But I doubt that person would be doing it to afford life-changing medicines.

AIDE: What medicines?

TRADER: Life-changing ones… I'm glad you're not obsessed with money. Not all of us have that luxury.

DRIVER: ¡Virgen Santísima! ¡Es el MK-CX 21! ¡Tiene conductos de ventilación lo suficientemente grandes como para que la gente pueda pasar por ellos!

POLITICIAN: Bloody hell, what’s he on about?

CLERIC: Something about the ventilation, I think?

DRIVER: ¡Escúchame! Estas tuberías deben ir por encima del techo hasta una entrada. ¡Podemos arrastrarnos a través de ellos como, como Bruce Willis en Duro de matar!

CLERIC: Poor sod thinks Bruce Willis is coming to save him. He’s gone completely mad.

SOLDIER: Nevermind him, we need to come up with a plan!

POLICEMAN: How can we come up with a plan when we’ve got no idea why we got kidnapped?

ESCORT: What do you mean "why"? It's not exactly a secret - for fuck's sake, it was visible from space!

CEO: What does that have to do with anything?

ESCORT: All I’m saying, there's not exactly a shortage of people who'd bring a mariachi band to our funeral. You know what we did.

POLITICIAN: “What we did”? What the fuck did I do? I got knocked out at a banquet and woke up in a bloody Saw movie!

ESCORT: Oh no, they’re back!

AIDE: Christ it’s them! They’ve returned!

DRIVER: ¡Madre de Dios!

SOLDIER: Settle down and don't panic!

CEO: What do you mean don’t panic? You heard them, if we don’t hand someone over they’ll kill all of us!

TRADER: Calm down everyone! …It’s just my Samsung.

POLITICIAN: I thought they took away all the devices from us?

TRADER: This one they couldn’t. It’s my glucose monitor. They let me keep it alongside my insulin.

AIDE: That’s your life-changing medicine? Insulin?

TRADER: Well, not exactly. I’m allergic to generic stuff so I’m getting a bespoke version tailor-made for me. DNA sequencing is expensive.

<epi-pen injection; beeping stops>

There. I should be good for a bit.

ESCORT: Modern medicine is so amazing these days.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, maybe our captors will get an organ transplant from one of us after they whack us.

CLERIC: No one is getting “whacked” today.

POLITICIAN: Oh no…

SYNTH VOICE: THE TIME IS UP. WHO IS YOUR FIRST PICK?

CLERIC: We haven’t really made the choice…

ESCORT: It’s sort of a complex decision…

TRADER: Analysis-paralysis!

POLITICIAN: We need more time.

DRIVER: ¡El sistema de ventilación! ¡Nos están gaseando!

CEO: I understood that!

SYNTH VOICE: YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO MAKE YOUR PICK OR YOU WILL ALL SUFFOCATE.

ESCORT: Shit, shit, shit what are we gonna do?

AIDE: We have to make the pick! We have to make the pick!

POLITICIAN: I mean, I’m not the only one thinking it, am I?

SOLDIER: There’s only one person not contributing to this conversation…

CEO: My driver!

POLICEMAN: Yes! Yes! Take the driver and stop this madness!

SYNTH VOICE: IS THAT YOUR COLLECTIVE DECISION?

ESCORT: Yes!

SOLDIER: Take him away.

POLITICIAN: Yes, take him!

ESCORT: Just stop this, please!

SYNTH VOICE: BRING HIM TO THE DOOR.

DRIVER: ¿Qué pasa? ¿Dónde me llevas?

POLICEMAN: Sorry amigo, nothing personal.

DRIVER: No señor, no, no, a mi no me toques... ¡Déjame ir!

POLICEMAN: Sorry man…

DRIVER: ¡Déjame ir!¡Déjame ir! ¡Te lo dije!

POLICEMAN: Tell it to the guys outside, man!

DRIVER: ¡Podemos escapar! ¡Podemos escapar! ¡Déjame ir! ¿Qué le pasa? ¡Hijo de puta!

¡Nos podemos escapar!

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

AIDE: They took him… They really took him away.

CLERIC: And we really gave him away…

CEO: Oh, so it’s our fault now? So typical, just blame the victim!

SOLDIER: Now isn’t that what always happens? Don’t defend yourself, you’re weak; put up a fight, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

POLITICIAN: There’s putting up a fight, and there’s picking a fight.

POLICEMAN: Well you English dudes can hardly claim your hands are clean in this matter!

AIDE: Actually, I’m Scottish!

POLICEMAN: I don’t care if you’re from fucking Narnia! You guys exterminated entire continents! But when others do it, suddenly it’s a big deal?

POLITICIAN: The only difference is we’ve done it through two centuries, and you’ve done it in two seconds.

CEO: And how were we supposed to respond to what happened, huh? Tell me, how the fuck does one properly respond to a massacre like what happened on Dirty Friday?

SOLDIER: How about we turn the discussion towards something productive and come up with a plan.

ESCORT: What plan? It’s pointless. There’s no escaping from here…

SOLDIER: I wasn’t talking about an escape plan… First and foremost, is there a way to deactivate the gas? Whatever is emitting it should be on our end of the ventilation system, otherwise it would spread through the entire compound.

TRADER: I already looked into it… Well, not looked as such - I felt my way around it. And yeah, the gas cylinder is right there. <knocks onto metal> Unfortunately if we detach it from the ventilation shaft there’s no way to stop the gas from leaking. It’s a simple yet clever design.

SOLDIER: Then I think it’s time for us to face the “delicate question”. Lest we again find ourselves in a situation where we need to make a quick decision, instead of a sound decision.

AIDE: And tell me - how does one make a sound decision who to send to the gallows?

POLITICIAN: Well it should at least make us focus. As Samuel Johnson said: “When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.”

CLERIC: A fortnight sounds like a pretty good deal actually…

ESCORT: The logical first step would be for someone to volunteer.

CEO: For fucks’ sake, I don’t think our kidnappers are looking for an unpaid intern!

AIDE: Dunno, in all those Bible stories it’s either an apprentice or a slave who gets sacrificed at the altar.

POLICEMAN: Or a virgin.

ESCORT: Thank God I should be safe then.

CLERIC: Let’s restrain ourselves from taking His name in vain.

ESCORT: Or Her name. Why do we always think of God as a father?

CEO: It's because if God were a woman, we would have heard from her a long time ago, honey!

ESCORT: Funny… I would have thought it is because it’s difficult to imagine a mother being such a piece of shit!

POLICEMAN: I won’t tolerate that kind of language!

ESCORT: Or what? What will you do that whoever’s behind those doors won’t do anyway?

POLICEMAN: I’ll… I’ll… I’ll pray for your soul.

ESCORT: And to which god?

POLICEMAN: What?

ESCORT: To which god will you pray...? What’s the name of your god?

POLICEMAN: It’s… God… Our Lord.

ESCORT: Lord is more of a title, isn’t it? It’s like calling you “Policeman”. It’s not your name.

POLICEMAN: I mean, I guess… So Yahweh… I guess?

ESCORT: Oh, that’s a popular one. Dates at least back to the late Bronze Age. Early Samaritans worshipped him alongside a variety of gods and goddesses before he got promoted to being the creator of the universe in Babylonian times. Storm-and-warrior type. An excellent choice for a person in the position of authority.

SOLDIER: How do you know all this stuff?

ESCORT: I have a Bachelor in Comparative Literature and a Master in Sociology.

CLERIC: Ah, a fellow academic... I have a doctorate in Physics myself. Hopefully no one here will hold it against me.

ESCORT: Physics?

CLERIC: Does that surprise you?

ESCORT: No, it’s just that I thought you — being a man of faith — would hold a degree in religious studies or something.

CLERIC: Ah, but you can’t have science without religion. Yes, science has allowed us to profoundly expand our horizons. But no matter how deep into the cosmos we look, our gaze will eventually hit a wall... Certainly, science can take us back one nanosecond after the act of creation; but what good does that do, if the real secret is contained precisely in that one nanosecond? Put a human under the microscope and tell me where evil is! …We're all just a soul in a corpse, Miss Serenity. And from that you want to take away the soul?

ESCORT: Well, between my soul and my body, there's only one people were willing to pay for. So spare me the proselytising. I believe in the flesh.

POLICEMAN: What a sad thing to believe in.

TRADER: In any case, the Dirty Friday attack certainly seems to have been carried out in the name of the soul… I mean, you don't blow yourself up if it's the body you believe in.

CLERIC: That is precisely my argument! The spirit must be served as much as the body - and if denied food, it will gobble up poison. You don't get suicide bombers because of faith. You get suicide bombers because of lack of faith.

POLITICIAN: They lacked faith? I don’t think there’s many people who believe in something like those men believed.

POLICEMAN: Yeah, because it takes a real genius to blow yourself up.

CEO: Great, if killing oneself is not such a big deal, why don't you volunteer to be taken out next? Why don't you or our holyman here step up and catch the express train to Elysee, or Valhalla, or Buddhaville, or fucking Candyland, or wherever the hell you think we all end up?

CLERIC: I can’t speak for our friend the policeman, but I personally have no idea where we end up.

AIDE: You... You don't?

CLERIC: I don't really dwell on it. We are such narcissists that we’re even worried what happens to us after death, when it’s the one thing we have absolutely no reason to worry about.

AIDE: But, you're a member of the clergy... Isn't the whole idea of religion that our good deeds will be rewarded in the afterlife?

CLERIC: Doing good is a reward in itself. We're not trained seals performing good deeds for treats. We were given the knowledge of good and evil. It's up to us to decide how to use it.

SOLDIER: Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem. There are no instructions God could give that people couldn’t misinterpret. He gives us signposts, whereas what we actually need are guardrails.

ESCORT: If He exists, of course.

CLERIC: Whether God exists is not the right question.

POLICEMAN: It isn’t?

CLERIC: Some will say He does, some will say He doesn’t, some will say it's fifty-fifty. But being kind to your neighbour, loving your parents, partner, and children - that there’s 100%! I might not be certain if there's an afterlife, but I am certain of this: no one would be obsessing about happiness in the afterlife, if they were able to find it in this one.

CEO: Oh no they’re back!

AIDE: Fuck!

SYNTH VOICE: HAVE YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE?

AIDE: No! God please, we haven't even –

CLERIC: Yes we have… I'll go.

AIDE: What? No! You can't sacrifice yourself like this!

CLERIC: I can. I meant what I said. I’d rather lose my life, than my soul.

AIDE: But you also said you’re not certain if there’s anything except this life!

CLERIC: Well if I were certain it wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice, would it..? Okay. I need to go now. Don't forget to close your eyes everybody. …Open the doors!

SYNTH VOICE: EXIT NOW.

ESCORT: Hey!

CLERIC: Yes?

ESCORT: Which religion did you say you were a clergyman of?

CLERIC: <soft laugh> …I didn't.

SYNTH VOICE: THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

CEO: …Well, that was a freebie.

CEO: Oh shut up, we were all thinking it!

ANNOUNCER: End of first instalment. The next instalment will be released in one week. Get the whole episode ad-free now by becoming The Program's member. You’ll find the link in the show notes.

Also, here it is
IMS

original art by Carlos Costa

Courtesy of Comrade Larsky