The Program — Software end of life
Software end of life
IMS: Hello, this is IMS, the author of The Program audio series. After a very long period, we made a bonus episode. This means it is exclusive to paid members. While The Program's team makes every effort to make the show free for everyone, the realities of making an audio drama in the 21st century is that subscriptions are increasingly the only way for works that cater to small but loyal audiences to endure. This is why we offer paid monthly memberships through Patreon for 3 dollars and up, and through Apple Podcasts for 4 dollars per month. However, we're aware this might be more than some people can easily afford. So we came up with a special limited-time offer - an annual Program membership for only 2 dollars per month. We believe this is a great deal for everyone, as you get the full Program experience, while also supporting the show creators for a full year for only 24 dollars. To get a taste of what you'll be getting, here's the opening of the newest bonus episode. It's just 5 minutes of over 90 minutes of exclusive material you get when you become a member. So please stick around for a special link to get this limited-time offer.
ANNOUNCER: This episode features reproductions of backend logs. Listeners are reminded that backend logs exist outside linear time.
SYSADMIN: My dear child, I am pleased to be able to welcome you to —
MAN: [a massive inhale] OH WOW! I’m not gonna lie, man, when I saw that propane tank explode, I thought I was a goner. Y’know I was thinking to myself, you old dog, you’re surely done for now! …Guess you’re the good doctor who saved my ass, eh? And I do mean a good doctor - I feel better than I have in years! Granted, you could have decorated the practice a bit less sparsely I suppose, but hey - you’re a physician, not an interior designer, right? Still, y’know, would it have killed you to put some furniture in here..? Or walls for that matter… I mean, obviously look you’re not a personal stylist either - I can tell by looking at you, what’s that, a toga? And what’s this woo-woo shit you got playing? Look, I can get you some mp3s to liven the place up a bit. I’ve got Limewire! And we absolutely have to dim the lighting, it’s bright as hell in here…
Oh no.
SYSADMIN: Don’t worry, you’re not in “hell”. Even though I was starting to think I was in one…
MAN: So I’m in heaven?
SYSADMIN: Mmmmmm, let’s not jump to any conclusions, shall we?
MAN: But you’re God, right? You’re God?
SYSADMIN: Yes, I’m a god. I mean, I’m the God.
MAN: The God?
SYSADMIN: Of course. Why do you think I’m wearing a toga?
MAN: I dunno, maybe it’s comfortable? Easy to clean? Doesn’t require much of a fashion sense now, does it?
SYSADMIN: On second thought, maybe we should send you to hell after all.
MAN: What? No no no no no! Hey hey! Big man! Hey!
SYSADMIN: Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Well, I do - but you people never seem to follow them.
MAN: Well I do! I very much do!
SYSADMIN: Oh, do you now?
MAN: Yeah!
SYSADMIN: Have you been wearing all white garments every Monday?
MAN: Erm, was I supposed to?
SYSADMIN: Of course! What kind of a Canaanite are you?
MAN: Actually, I’m Christian.
SYSADMIN: Christian, Christian… The people who worship a goat?
MAN: What? No! …Well, maybe. Are you thinking of Satanists?
SYSADMIN: No, I get a lot of you, and I distinctly remember you worship a goat. …Or was it a lamb?
MAN: It’s a lamb of God! You’re lamb. It’s not supposed to be a literal lamb — that’s for eating man, you go crazy with some mint sauce boy!
SYSADMIN: And how was I to know that? Have you got any idea how much gobbledygook you people come up with?
MAN: I thought you were the person who comes up with things! That’s your job!
SYSADMIN: I do but you somehow always manage to twist it out of recognition. Salvation, reincarnation, transubstantiation… There are as many religions as there are people on Earth!
MAN: M’kay, question. So why didn’t you give us all a set of rules to follow?
SYSADMIN: Because with no rules in place, you have to actually think whether what you're doing is good or not.
MAN: What about that thing you just said about wearing all white on Mondays? That’s a rule!
SYSADMIN: That simply forces you to wash your clothes at least once a week.
MAN: Yeah, fine. Fair enough.
SYSADMIN: Anyway, enough chit-chat. Let’s take a look at your credit score.
MAN: Are you my bank?
SYSADMIN: Beg your pardon?
MAN: I mean isn’t that a bit contrary to what you’ve been teaching us? Regarding not being materialistic!
SYSADMIN: No, I meant the Program’s credit… Tell you what, I’ll find you in the database myself. What’s your last known address?
MAN: Ummm, yeah, I kinda didn’t have an address when I — at the time that I… Died.
SYSADMIN: What kind of dog shit sim has no addresses..? How on earth do you get around… Fine, fine… Let’s try something else. What’s your utility?
MAN: I was kinda between jobs…
SYSADMIN: Why would an able-bodied individual be without a job? After all, humans derive their whole sense of self worth out of the fruit of their labour — Oh shit.
MAN: “Oh” what? “Oh shit” what? That didn’t sound like a good “oh”.
SYSADMIN: You’re from Greg’s simulation…
MAN: Ha-ha. Who’s Greg?
SYSADMIN: Greg’s an idiot! Listen, I’m dreadfully sorry, but it seems there’s been some sort of a glitch. And since some sysadmins… — I mean, some deities are apparently too important to keep score of their agents’ value, we’ll have to do a quick quiz now.
MAN: But I haven’t studied!
SYSADMIN: Even better! It will make the result more accurate. Either case we need to determine your score, and I can’t let you into your room without it.
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WRITTEN, DIRECTED, EDITED AND PRODUCED BY
Ivan Mirko S.CAST
MAN - James Jordan (website)SYSADMIN - Chance Miller (website)
MAIN MUSIC THEME BY
Christien Ledroit (website)
CREATIVE COMMONS ATTRIBUTIONS
