The Program — Jakob's notebook: Antivirus solutions for home and business
Jakob's notebook: Antivirus solutions for home and business
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Hello, this is IMS, the author of The Program audio series. If you're a long time listener, you might be aware of my off-shoot series called Jakob's notebook, which I use to occasionally release stories not directly connected to the world of the Program. Originally I published these episodes publicly, but ultimately I decided to make them subscriber-exclusive, as a way of thanking those who financially support the show, enabling everyone else to enjoy it for free. Should you yourself decide to join the ranks of paid supporters, you will gain access to the vault containing this and all the other extra content. You will also be provided with early access to new episodes, get a behind-the-scenes series examining the creation of the show, and you will be able to listen everything ad-free. Most importantly, your money will go towards production of new stories. So if you like The Program and want to see it succeed, head to patreon.com/programaudioseries, or click the link in the show notes, and become a member. As for this episode, I am still offering the beginning as a preview. Here it is.
ANNOUNCER: Written in the early 21st century, the following story is likely an allegory on pandemics that marked that era. With the entire period now largely forgotten, contemporary critics have been ascribing various new meanings into the text - no matter how many times they’ve been politely asked to stop.
NARRATOR: Arrival of aliens was depicted in many books, films, and comics. But none of them ever imagined they would land in a village in China.
REPORTER 1: An extraterrestrial spaceship landed at a local airport in China this morning at 05:35 local time.
REPORTER 2: How does anybody take those red-eye flights, I mean they are simply inhumane!
NARRATOR: Once outside of the spaceship, the aliens greeted the Chinese delegation and wished peace and prosperity to all nations on Earth. A senior delegate asked if that included Taiwan. Visibly confused, the aliens answered it did, which is when they were politely escorted out of the country.
[sound of airplane]
Aliens next landed in the US, where they received a much warmer welcome - not because Americans were crazy about extraterrestrial visitors with unknown intentions, as much as they simply wanted to spite the Chinese. This is also where the aliens gave their first interview on live TV.
HOST: Hello everybody! And welcome to the morning show! Thank you, thank you… Alright… Let’s get this show started. Our next guests tonight are out of this world! With us today are two representatives of an alien race!
OTTO: Hello!
SETTE: I am Sette, and this is my clone Otto.
OTTO: Thanks for having us.
HOST: So you guys are clones?
SETTE: Yes, Otto and I separated into two entities via mitosis two weeks ago. We are identical clones.
OTTO: Except that obviously I’m the more handsome one.
[audience laughter]
HOST: Is Otto a first name or a surname?
OTTO: Names are such a homocentric concept.
SETTE: We don’t have names. We call ourselves after our generation - hence Sette and Otto.
HOST: Oh I see. What about a name for your species - what do you call yourselves?
SETTE: Translated into your language it would be Bacillus sapiens.
OTTO: Baci for short.
HOST: And how are you baci liking Earth so far?
OTTO: It’s a…
SETTE: …Place.
SETTE: I like the colour of sky you went with. Perhaps a tad too blue for my taste, but it’ll come back in fashion I am sure. And my Goddess -- my Goddess! -- there is a lot of water. You guys are -- you guys are really into water, huh?
HOST: [forced laugh] Forget the planet, tell me how are you liking humans?
SETTE: Humans don’t exactly have the best reputation in the cosmic circles. I mean, just look at your overall rating…
HOST: We have an overall rating?
OTTO: It’s four stars.
SETTE: …Four stars.
HOST: Out of five?
OTTO: Out of all the stars in the universe.
HOST: That sounds like it’s not very good.
OTTO: You’re also very bad at mathematics.
SETTE: Oh so bad…
OTTO: Also you’re full of bones.
SETTE: So many bones…
SETTE: Whatever little intelligence your bodies contained probably leaked out.
HOST: Leaked out?
OTTO: You humans leak everywhere! Sweating and pissing.
SETTE: You even leak water through your eyes for crying out loud!!
HOST: If you guys dislike water so much, why did you even visit?
SETTE: We crash landed, you idiot!
OTTO: What superior intelligence do you think would come to this backwater?
[audience boos]
SETTE: Okay, we are done.
OTTO: Goodbye.
HOST: Now now now, wait a second! Why don’t we just…
SETTE: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!
HOST: Woah woah woah, now now now just…
SETTE: AND YOU STINK!
OTTO: AND YOU SMELL OF ELDERBERRIES!
IMS: That was the beginning of just one of many subscriber-exclusive episodes waiting for you in The Program's vault. You can unlock the vault with as little as $3 per month. Simply visit patreon.com/programaudioseries, or click the link in the show notes. Your support is never taken for granted, and will be wholly invested into growing the show and bringing you more stories.
WRITTEN, DIRECTED, EDITED AND PRODUCED BY
Ivan Mirko S.BASED ON A SHORT STORY BY
Scott AlexanderCAST
NARRATOR - Jacqueline Ainsworth (website)BACI, POLITICIAN, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, BAD ACTOR - James Jordan (website)
HOST - Geoff Allan (website)
SCIENTIST - Alexander Amos
RANDOM MAN - Frank Salvino (email)
VOICEOVER - Scooter Clark (website)
REPORTER 1 - Phil Sampson (email)
REPORTER 2 - Joy Juckes (website)
MUSIC BY
Christien Ledroit (website)
REFERENCES
